Skate the Razor,
Both Friend and Foe,
I have compiled a list of thirteen (newish like)
things an aging rock musician should never, never, ever do again...
at least not with the door unlocked.
Enjoy.NEVER NEVER NEVER:
1. Grow your hair back down to your shoulders, unless you happen to be Britney Spears, who has a damn good excuse, or Jon Duff
, who doesn't, but looks cool anyway). Save yourself the embarrassment... leave it short, like a book report.
2. Get a second job moonlighting at Sam Goody’s. You are not hip, in spite of your recent hip surgery. Leave that line of work for the experts… teenagers. Here's a word of advice... a 'flat screen'
, and a 'flat-line'
are not the same thing.
3. Sing about getting drunk and chasing groupies around at the Implodium. That whole shtick is now the domain of modern FM country radio.
4. Wear a one piece jump suit to the Van Halen re-union concert at the Implodium. Face it, little dreamer, uni-tards are not retro cool, old school, or not.
5. Play air-guitar every time 'Little Dreamer'
comes on the radio, even when driving seventy on the toll-way, (like say, en rout to the VH re-union at the Implodium).
6. Hold a lit cigarette lighter aloft whenever 'Aint Talkin' 'bout Love'
comes on the radio.
7. Brag about jamming backstage with former members of Trixter.
8. Never take all of your old backstage passes, (not even Trixter)
with you to Parent Teacher conferences.
9. Brag about hanging out backstage with Anson Williams and Donny Most at the 'Happy Days' re-union.
10. Encourage your audience to hold lit cigarette lighters aloft when your band breaks into the opening riff of 'Ain't Talkin' 'bout Love',
(This is especially important in small clubs with low ceilings).
11. Brag about all the drugs you partied away back in the eighties.
12. Brag about all the parties you drugged way back in the eighties.
13. Pine for the days when Sammy Hagar still sang with Van Halen.
Good luck with the tour, guys. Yes, you too, David!
Brad Skate the Razor
Labels: B. Thomas Cooper, bands, Brad Cooper, Sammy Hagar, Van Halen